Fully realize it's been a minute. My last check-in was 9/2. Since then, not a lot has changed. Technically, I've lost about four pounds since then, but seeing as how it keeps fluctuating, it's more like three or less.
I feel like the tirz is not working, or I'm not working it to its fullest potential, but honestly, it's more the drug. I am not feeling the feels associated with what it's supposed to be doing. A friend said, essentially, "Well, duh, that's because it's the onboarding dose, not the therapeutic dose ..." (Highly paraphrased for laziness) ...
I know I have a penchant for getting antsy, but damn, it's been two months, and I'm down 10 pounds? Two months? Doesn't seem legit, given that I've pretty much lost the urge to snack, which was a problem in the past, and have not consumed all that much junkity junk in the last two months.
I realize that I need to eat MORE, just more BETTER foods. I realize that I need movement and musckle-building activities. I just am in a slump of phenomenal proportions. So much so, that I wondered this morning if I have some sort of low-grade bipolarity going on. Like once or twice a year, I go manic, and actually DO stuff, and the other times, I'm just Eeyore, mosying along at the speed of sloth.
However, the logical side of me realizes that this has been a fucking year. A year of huge losses (just not the weight kind).
- We lost Nettie in April or May (can't even remember now)
- My eldest decide that rather than have an adult conversation, that they would rather outright abandon me in the middle of Seattle and literally, AND figuratively walk away from me. (That's a soap opera in itself that I won't discuss here
- My father-in-law passed away after a short (or long, depending on facts we don't know of) bout with cancer on my birthday
- My biological father passed on August 13
- Our neighbor, Darlene, then passed either the day before or the day after (can't recall now)
Not to mention a rather sizeable load of stressors:
- The job (another soap not worth talking about here) - suffice it to say that it's just a constant cortisol spike
- The HRT thing - for fuck's sake - I can't win with this - more later
- My Beloved's health issues
- Taxes (my own fault)
- Health insurance bullshite
- Etc., etc., etc. ...
It's just been a bit much, and given that I am the type to not say or feel anything out loud, I think it's just weighing me down (pun intended).
I KNOW what I need to do. I KNOW what foods I need to eat. I KNOW I need movement and muscle work. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, but knowing and DOING are two completely different species.
On the HRT, it was good for a month or so, but being the lowest dose, it started to wane, and so my provider (who is about to be replaced) upped to the next dose. I FINALLY got that, because god forbid, the Estradiol be as readily available as a fucking statin, and then learned after a few days, that I'm allergic to whatever adhesives and chemicals are contained in that much larger patch.
I had a huge red ring around where the patch was located and I broke out in a rash on both legs, both arms, and by my shoulder/pit area. It was so weird. It didn't burn, it didn't itch, but it just kept moving up, and so I called it, ripped the patch off, and went sans any patch for at least two weeks.
I still had some of the low-dose patches left, so I put one on Monday because it was preferable to going back to NIL estrogen in my being.
Now, I don't fucking know what to do. The provider claimed she was going to call in estrogen gel, but never did. That was at least three weeks ago, and then again last week, and still nothing.
I can't do this shit. I can't pay someone a monthly subscription for "care," and get NONE. Not when we're already paying out the ass for marketplace joke insurance. I just can't. I'm going to have to suck it up and find somewhere that's covered by the joke insurance, and start the process over, probably. Also, if I decide to continue with the tirz, I've been considering some of the telehealth providers - at a MUCH lower price than what I am paying for it now.
I am high-key pissed off, but have zero-key energy to do anything about it. I don't know if that makes sense out loud, but it's how I feel. Like just giving up is the most viable option.
So, yeah, that's where I'm at.
We'll see if anything changes this week. I've got three shots left of the 2.5 tirz. We'll see if I'm able to make any moves myself to help it along, or whether I'm just not a good candidate, or whatever else.
I hope you all are having a much better go of it than I am.
xo
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